Why Good People Say Hurtful Things: The Amygdala Hijack Explained

The neuroscience behind why good people say hurtful things

Last week, a client sat in my office with tears streaming down her face. "I don't know where that came from," she whispered. "The words just... flew out of my mouth. It wasn't me talking."

She'd just described a fight with her husband where she'd said something so cutting, so unlike her usual loving nature, that it shocked them both into silence. Now she was drowning in shame, convinced she was a terrible person.

"That wasn't the real you talking," I told her. "That was your amygdala."

Meet Your Internal Alarm System

Deep in your brain sits a small, almond-shaped structure called the amygdala. Think of it as your internal fire alarm—designed to detect danger and get you out of harm's way as quickly as possible.

When your amygdala senses a threat (real or perceived), it triggers your sympathetic nervous system faster than you can blink. Your heart rate spikes, stress hormones flood your system, and your brain's executive function goes offline.

In this state, you're no longer operating from your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for empathy, perspective, and conscious choice. You're in pure survival mode.

And survival mode doesn't care about your marriage. It doesn't care about your values. It just wants to eliminate the perceived threat as efficiently as possible.

Why Emotional Threats Feel Life-Threatening

Here's what makes relationships so tricky: Your amygdala can't distinguish between a physical threat and an emotional one.

When your partner says something that triggers feelings of:

• Abandonment
• Rejection
• Shame
• Being controlled or criticized

Your brain responds as if your life is in danger. The same neural pathways that would fire if you encountered a bear in the woods fire when you feel emotionally threatened by someone you love.

This is why rational conversation becomes impossible in heated moments. You're literally not operating from the rational part of your brain.

The Hijack in Action

Let me paint you a picture of how this looks in real relationships:

Sarah comes home exhausted after a difficult day. Her husband Mark mentions that she forgot to pick up his prescription on her way home. To Mark, this feels like a simple reminder.

But to Sarah's overwhelmed nervous system, it lands as: "You're not good enough. You can't even handle basic tasks. You're failing."

Her amygdala fires. Her prefrontal cortex goes offline. And suddenly she hears herself snapping: "Maybe if you weren't so helpless, you could pick up your own damn prescription!"

The woman who snapped at Mark isn't the "real" Sarah. It's Sarah's amygdala, doing what amygdalas do—trying to eliminate a perceived threat through attack or withdrawal.

The Shame Spiral That Makes Everything Worse

After the hijack comes the shame spiral. Sarah (and people like her) beat themselves up:

• "I'm a terrible wife"
• "I don't know why he puts up with me"
• "I'm just like my mother when she was angry"

But here's what I tell every client: Shame about being human only creates more emotional dysregulation, which makes future hijacks more likely.

When you understand that hijacks are neurobiological events—not character flaws—you can respond with curiosity instead of condemnation.

The Window of Tolerance

Imagine your emotional capacity as a window. Inside the window, you can think clearly, feel your feelings, and respond consciously. Outside the window, you're in survival mode.

The goal isn't to never leave your window—that's impossible. The goal is to recognize when you're outside it and have tools to find your way back.

Some factors that shrink your window:

• Lack of sleep
• High stress
• Hunger
• Hormonal changes
• Unresolved trauma
• Accumulated resentments

Some factors that expand your window:

• Regular sleep
• Physical movement
• Mindfulness practices
• Feeling emotionally supported
• Addressing underlying issues

The STOP Technique

When you notice yourself getting activated (heart racing, thoughts spinning, words getting sharp), try this:

S - Stop talking. Literally. Mid-sentence if necessary.

T - Take a breath. Deep inhale, longer exhale. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system.

O - Observe what's happening in your body. "My chest is tight. My thoughts are racing. I'm feeling threatened."

P - Pause before proceeding. Ask yourself: "What do I need right now to feel safe enough to stay connected?"

Sometimes the answer is: "I need 20 minutes to regulate before we continue this conversation."

That's not avoidance—that's emotional intelligence.

Repairing After the Hijack

Even with the best intentions, hijacks will happen. Here's how to repair:

1. Take responsibility without shame: "I got activated and said something hurtful. That wasn't okay."
   
   
2. Acknowledge impact: "I imagine my words felt attacking and unfair."
   
   
3. Share your experience without making it an excuse: "I was feeling overwhelmed and my nervous system went into defense mode."
   
   
4. Recommit to your values: "You deserve to be spoken to with respect, even when I'm struggling."
   
   
5. Make a plan: "Next time I feel that activated, I'm going to take a break before we keep talking."
   
   

The Gift of Understanding

When couples understand hijacks as neurobiological events rather than character revelations, everything changes. Instead of: "You're so mean when you're angry," they can say: "It looks like you got activated. What do you need to feel safe right now?"

Understanding doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it creates space for compassion and conscious change.

My client Sarah? Once she understood her hijack wasn't a moral failing but a nervous system event, she could develop strategies to recognize her early warning signs and interrupt the pattern before it took over.

Her marriage didn't just survive her amygdala—it got stronger because both partners learned to recognize and respond to emotional activation with curiosity instead of judgment.

Your Amygdala Isn't the Enemy

Your amygdala has kept humans alive for thousands of years. It's not broken when it fires—it's doing exactly what it's designed to do.

The problem isn't that you have an amygdala. The problem is that nobody taught you how to work WITH it instead of being controlled BY it.

Next time you or your partner gets hijacked, remember: You're not witnessing someone's true character. You're witnessing their nervous system trying to keep them safe in the only way it knows how.

Respond with the compassion you'd show someone who was genuinely afraid. Because that's exactly what they are.

Have you ever experienced an amygdala hijack in your relationship? What helps you find your way back to connection? Share your experience in the comments or reach out if you'd like to explore this further.